We all know the experience of worrying that we're too much - too emotional, too loud, too reactive, too anxious. There's also the fear that we're not enough - not lovable enough, smart enough, thin enough, talkative enough...But what about when you feel that you're both of those things at the same time? This too-much-not-enough push and pull is a unique paradox the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is likely to face, one that is rooted in both the gifts and the challenges of sensitivity.

In an often overwhelming and demanding world, HSPs battle a fear of not measuring up to societal standards, while simultaneously feeling driven to diminish their needs in order to fit in. It can be a daily and rather exhausting battle that negatively affects an HSP's self-esteem, relationships, and quality of life.

This post takes a closer look at this paradoxical struggle and offers a strategy that will help you find balance and strength in your sensitivity, as well as acceptance of it.

Too Much: An Outside-Inside Pressure

Highly Sensitive folks are used to experiencing a world that's a little bit or seriously too much. Many of us are prone to feeling overstimulated by crowds, loud noises, harsh lights, and otherwise uncomfortable surroundings.

On the inside, our deep emotions can also be overwhelming, whether we're fearing we'll be washed away in a tidal wave of our own tears, or overtaken by anger and accidentally turning into The Hulk.

While we're not always demonstrative with our big feelings, and others may not even be aware they're happening, they feel so big to us that we can tend to try and stuff them, or deny them altogether.

Similarly, with our sensory input threshold, it's not uncommon for HSPs to attempt to "tone down" their needs so that we can instead "go with the flow"

Hearing that we're too sensitive or over-reacting more times than we can count definitely plays a role in how HSPs end up internalizing the message that our experience, and by extension, ourselves, are too much.

Not Enough: The Struggle of Self-Worth

Meanwhile, as the feelings of too-much-ness simmer away, another form of seeming inadequacy brews.

As a sensitive person, maybe you've recognized that in your career, you can't take on as many projects or clients as your colleagues. I certainly hold a much smaller caseload than other non-HSP therapists I know and I've had to reassure myself on several occasions that it's ok!

Perhaps in your school days, you were more selective about your extracurricular activities or found that your average college courseload was rather daunting. You wonder why you just can't seem to take it with a grain of salt like other people.

In a culture that overvalues productivity as a standard of worth, it can be far too easy for Highly Sensitive People to feel like they're not measuring up.

Self-doubt and anxiety abound around our merit and our significance. And it sucks the joy right out of life. With our depth of processing, it's not hard for us to recognize areas for "improvement" and we can end up pushing ourselves too much, too long, to try and fit the mold of "normal," and "enough."

Feelings Aren't Always Facts

If you resonate with this so far, you're certainly not alone.

It's shame that kicks up the painful thoughts about being too much or not enough. Shame says not that you've done something wrong, but that you are wrong, at your core.

But there's good news.

You can learn to hold space for this pain and shift how you approach your needs, limits, and self-talk. The first step is recognizing that the feelings we feel, while important and valid, are not always fact-based.

Emotions are tricky, nuanced things, and they often come not from what we experience, but from the story we tell ourselves about the experience.

As the storytellers, the power and responsibility lie within us to formulate a narrative that's non-judgmental and accepting of our experience and our personhood.

At the end of the day, it's your voice you've had to listen to the most, by far. It's essential that you make that voice a supportive, compassionate one.

Redefining Enough: The Coach Approach

You might be thinking now, "But if I'm just compassionate with myself all the time, won't I be giving myself an excuse to be lazy and unproductive, or to not try when I don't feel like it?"

I get it! Been there!

I want you to think about your favorite coach. And if you're like me and have literally never played on a team, use your imagination. I never had a coach, but I can certainly imagine the type of coach that I would consider the best. Here's what I think of:

This coach is confident in my abilities but recognizes and respects my limits. This coach knows when to yell with passion (not with anger) and when to speak softly with me in a 1-on-1 huddle. This coach is kind and loving but doesn't just let me mess around at practice. This coach pushes me when it's appropriate and calls me out when I'm letting my mind dictate the game rather than my body.

That's the kind of person I want you to embody when you think about taking a compassionate stance with yourself.

It's the coach approach.

Fighting with and squashing your sensitive needs will keep you forever stuck in the too-much-not-enough paradox.

When you fully accept and begin to honor your high sensitivity, that's when it become a source of strength. 

You, dear HSP, have the gifts to cultivate amazing relationships, express your unique, unrivaled creativity, and revel in the wildly beautiful experiences this world has to offer.

Although you may wonder at times if you're too much or not enough, know that you are exactly enough, and always will be...just as you are.

🙌

✨ Josie Munroe, LMFT is a licensed therapist and owner of JosieMunroe.com and Your Sensitive Recovery.  As a recovered clinician and Highly Sensitive Person, she loves supporting others on their journeys to form new, empowered relationships with food, their bodies, and their sensitivity. Join the newsletter for a weekly boost of hope and inspiration. You deserve a recovery that works for you! ✨